waste

So yesterday I hung out with a friend of a friend and it just reminded me of how stupid and socially retarded I am. I hardly said anything the entire time in fear of looking like a fool or saying something too strange but I'm sure I made myself look even more moronic in that aspect because I spent most of my time GIGGLING. Oh yeah, that looks better. Fucking fucktard.

Spending that time with him also reminded me of how I'm still not positive at all, even though I repeat in my head over and over how to be happy and positive I still can't look at myself or anything I do positively and because of that I have trouble REALLY moving on and because I can't move on I have trouble being happy. I thought I did move on, and maybe I did in some aspects, but nothing major. Nothing noteworthy. Why can't I just be positive? I thought i was...

that pot that comes into my room clouds me and i feel like im in pain
why the fuck would i unplug it seriously i know you have this thing where you think the whole fucking world is against you but seriously get a fucking grip

February is the month of love. And black people.

Man oh man. Now I feel like I'm mostly (for real) out of my first-and-last relationship. Like, when we broke up, the line between boyfriend-love and friend-love was fuzzy. now it's more clear. And now that it's clear, it feels like my 14-year-old self just dove right back into my body and now I am a cesspool of ugly and angst. It's pretty horrible.
It was weird. You know, towards the end of it.. I didn't feel the same way about him as when we first started going out, and yet I felt "love?" because I knew that I still had him by my side. Now I know that I won't have him by my side all the time and it's really... strange. It makes it really difficult because I only have three friends to count on, and he's one of them.
Anywho, ever since then, I haven't been able to draw. I've got that lingering doom and gloom thing going from when I was a teen-kid, and masks don't work on me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always blurt out my true feelings. I HATE ITTT. I want to be cute again. I want to be cute again. It's embarrassing that I just, back flipped right into my old skin. Does that make sense? I left 14 year old me behind for a REASON... but that reason was love, and now I don't have it.