Come back to me, Ramen

Today I was doing a spa day. Skin routine plus new hair thing. Egg+mayo+olive oil. Wrap in plastic bag. 10-15 minutes. rinse. style.
I've been doing a lot for my hair lately because I was recently introduced to a few websites which educated me on how to properly take care of my hair. I have "nappy" hair. Since I'm mixed, I don't have tight coils or curls. I have very loose curls, but very dry and thin. "Ramen" was the name for it before I bleached my hair and ruined the fuck out of it.
I've been trying to figure it out today. While I've let my natural hair hang out for most of my life (relaxers are painful, cost money, and have to be done every two weeks- which is just too much of a hassle for me.) Recently, I haven't felt the same about it. While I don't want to relax my hair anymore, I don't like leaving it, either. (I flat iron.) I've always come to the logical conclusion that because I destroyed my hair, when it's curly it's unusually short and looks terrible on me. It's true. But today when I tied a plastic bag on my head to let my hair concoction sit, my mum laughed at me about it. Then it hit me, I am extremely self conscious of my hair. When I was little, a lot of kids would laugh at me because of my hair. I mean, besides the fact that I didn't take care of it very well (Leave a tomboy to do her hair and what does she do? she leaves it alone. I brushed it every day, but as the knots got bigger I worked on it less. Tenderheaded? fuck yes.) people would touch my head, or throw something at my head and say "Can you feel that?" I would laugh but I was really hurt that people would even say that. When you wear a helmet you can still feel things on your head, and my hair was nowhere near a helmet. Every time I fell, or failed to catch a ball or did anything that made me look stupid in any way, my hair always helped make it even funnier. For a while I forgot about it, after I cut all of the knots out in middle school and it grew into the beloved ramen. But now that I'm self conscious about my hair again, I'm reminded of all of the terrible things that affected me when I was a kid and it's just even more of a reason to keep my hair straight. While I whole heartedly support black people letting their hair go natural (if I have children with nappy hair, I won't let them get relaxers and such either.) and I think it looks great on people, I'm not sure that I'll ever do it again. Hopefully, if my hair does grow back to the length it used to be, I will be able to go natural again. But for now, I don't see it happening.