Hopefully releasing the demons

Hey hey y'all.
I hardly write here.. I think it's because of status updates on facebook. XD Kinda like most people know what's goin' on in my life but I'll write here anyway. It's good once in a while, right?
Right.
1. I keep getting asked about when I'm going to get a job, as if I had control over that. Seriously, I wish I got hired. I feel horrible and useless. Lately I feel like I haven't been doing enough to find a job but I think I AM doing all that I can, if that makes any sense. I feel guilty, as if I haven't been trying, but I HAVE- so I think I'll always be kinda depressed like this until I find a job.

2. Sometimes I'll go through a day or two super hyped about drawing. I'll start working on two or three concepts and then I'll completely run out of juice the next day and then I have these unfinished fucking drawings in my folders taking up space and eating dick until I bother to look at them again. I FUCKING HATE THIS. I don't know why I do this. I wish the feeling of creativity would last but it never does. It takes a lot for me to be inspired, apparently.

3. I wish I got paid to draw. Seriously. I know that if I was commissioned I would work diligently on it. I know it. I have a feeling like it's forced, I must do it because I aim to please. I need someone else to benefit from my drawings, I guess. I mean, I post a picture and I guess people like what I do but where's my gratification? I drew this picture and I get ZERO feedback so I don't improve, and I don't get any money for it so it's not like it's worth anything. The drawing doesn't have significance to me because I'm giving the art to ME, which isn't satisfying at all. Does that make sense? People wouldn't bother paying for my work anyway, because it does need a LOT of improvement...

4. Cooking has also taken a backseat because we're extra low on money so we're just buying the things that we absolutely need.

5.Got a gym membership, but the last time I went by myself I got extemely paranoid and couldn't complete my workout. You know, those times where you measure the amount of people in the room by how many eyes there are? Yeah. I felt like everyone was staring at me, because I'm new, I'm young, I'm a girl. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, and I probably did. I absolutely need a gym partner that actually has a membership at Balley's and will keep up with a schedule.

I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life. Some people look at me and say I'm really not that bad, but you have to take a look at my family. My dad is ALWAYS in shape, my mum is naturally skinny and has always been, and my brother is always skinny as well (for other, unhealthy reasons, but skinny nonetheless.) My parents are the type of people who laugh at fat people (unless they know them). Being in a family like this has made me focus way too much on physical appearance. Health, mostly, but physical appearance almost as much. Fat, unemployed non-student who is afraid to drive. I feel horrible, really. Honestly terrible.

I wish I knew how to move on with life. I feel like I am just frozen here. A 'Groundhog Day'-esque hell.