...Again.

http://robozukin.tumblr.com

I accumulate accounts like nobody's business.
I have had so many names on AIM, Gaia, I've had accounts on livejounal, myspace, xanga, ect. What is my problem? Moving to wherever I think people will read the most I guess. It's been a good run, I'll still stick around to read stuff, I suppose.

It's been a while.

Yeah, it's been a while. Know why? Avatar. Friends. An unfortunate death.
RIP, Joe.

I'm very into the movie Avatar. I'm pretty obsessed. I haven't studied Japanese with Rosetta in WEEKS. I've been studying Na'vi and trying to maintain what knowledge I have of Japanese. It's hard. But good for my brain, which hasn't been massaged in a while.
I really regret not being interested in the movie when it came out in theaters, for real. But yeah, I've been hanging out at http://tree-of-souls.com (I'm Ay'iheyu)
Everyone is so friendly. I love it. I'm used to forum sites being overrun by trolls and assholes, but not there. Pandora and the Na'vi represent a friendly community, where everyone and everything works together, and this forum reflects that. They've been so kind so far, and I love reading all of the topics. Wow, never gushed about a forum before. XD

Anywho, I've drawn a bit. Here's some links.
sketches of a smiling na'vi, and a warrior.
another sketch of a na'vi just standing around? lol.
BUY WAR BONDS.
This is my brain. (avatar, avatar, AMERICAN NAVY OFF TO WAR, 30s, 40s, 20s, KAWAIIJAPAN NE~) I wish I were a less eclectic. It kinda drives me crazy at times. I want to fit into ONE CATEGORY. Just sometimes.

In other news, diet. I'm going to check my weight right now....Ah,well, I'm just below my average. Although I just ate, I have to eat again in about an hour and a half. I also have to work out. So yup, I'm still pretty consistent (except for the wake and funeral days, completely threw me off- I gained two pounds from that because I was at 1_7 and now I'm at 1_9 T-T) I also need to watch my portions a little closer, as I have to shave them down just a tad. I've been putting a little too much lately. 29 pounds to go :|
Also, I'm doing something new with my hair! I really really hate flat ironing my hair. It smells bad and it's extremely damaged. So I'm doing a hairstyle so I can wash my hair like a normal in a Kazakhstan, swim like a normal in a Kazakhstan, don't have to fuck with it all of the time like a normal in a Kazakhstan.
Braids! (with extensions.) I really wanted to try dreads, but I don't like that I have to cut them out. So this is the next awesomest thing, right?! Right. So that's what I'm doing.
KBYE

I really hate drinking water.

Lost the weight from Easter, but once again, I'm maintaining and not losing at this point. Why does that always happen? Oh well, at least I'm not gaining and gaining and gaining. I'll continue the diet, maybe be a little stricter. :<
Anyway.. Um.. I've been drawing, learning Japanese and playing a lot of DDR. I feel like the Japanese isn't sticking as well as I'd like. I wish I had a workbook or something.
Mmm, what else. Well, I have a story that's actually starting to come together. My OCs 94483, Doctor Lazscu(I'm totally changing his name. Never really loved it. Not sure what it will be though), Pipette and Bronx are in it. I hope I'm good at writing, haha. Lazscu and Pipette's back story changed with the little bit of story I created. I also want to work on these 2-3 other ideas that I have, but for now 94483's story will be the main event.
As always, I have plans, I have plans...

STOP EVERYTHING

I just looked at my weight on the scale
HOOOOOOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT
I NEED AN EMERGENCY DIET, STAT
Water and milk only, nothing added
1200 calories a day
EXCERCISE LIKE FUCK ALL DAY
OKGO

alright, no, seriously. I hung out with Jen this weekend and we ate a lot of unhealthy stuff, and then Easter happened, so I knew I would gain weight but LIKE SEVEN POUNDS? WHAT THE FUCK!??! Well, I also just finished eating. (Edit: Oh, ok. I only gained four pounds XD) But WHAT THE FUCK, so emergency diet.
Ugh, ugh ugh ugh ughhhh
so in other news, I've been learnin' Japanese wiv Rosetta Stone. It's actually kinda fun. Been doing it every day unless I'm out of the house/busy (like when I slept over Jen's house.) I can't really say anything relevent yet (I can say stuff like "the cat is sleeping."), but it's really just the core stuff so far.
I also created a character who I named Bronx Winters. She's a zombie-esque human who's really girly. I never considered myself a zombie person. Especially risen-from-the-dead zombies. (I prefer disease-type) I was always more of a vampire and ghost girl. But she's captured my heart, she has. So she's got this disease. I don't know if this would work out at all in real life- but pretty much her organs are shrunken (like dried fruit- small but has strong flavor [still works like normal pretty much]) and her veins and stuff are closer to the bones. So it gives her this grey skin color. Skin, fat, and muscle is pretty easily torn because there's not much blood running through. (I guess that means everything's partially dead!) so it's probably common in her time to find skin grafts and artificial muscles/fat in stores. But I'd imagine when she can't afford stuff like that she just staples her skin together and stuff. High resistance to pain. Have I thought about it too much? Yes.
So here she is.

I'm in the process of making another picture of her.
I really need to stop creating characters and actually work on the characters/stories I already have made. Stupid brain always randomly says HEY I JUST THOUGHT OF THIS REALLY COOL GUY, SO DRAW IT. :[
Also, there was a huge pillow fight in Union Sq. on saturday, and I went with Jen and took pictures!

Pretty awesome day. XD So yeah, that's it. Bye!

Ureshii!

Good days! Hung out with Jennifer on sunday. Hung out with Denise monday to tuesday. It's mostly been sunny, besides monday and tuesday. Very good days! I'm happy.
well, the only thing is my job search. whenever I'm suggested something, it's usually something that makes me feel uncomfortable. You know, those one-shot deals, "do this, answer a bunch of questions with a group, do this, get $100 and go home." But especially for me, who has trouble wording the simplest sentences, around familiar friends (never mind around strangers x__x) I just have this huge fear of doing something like that. I hope at least someone understands.
Also, sunshine mart is hiring, I discovered while hanging out with Jennifer. Do you think they won't hire me because I'm not Japanese/don't speak japanese? D:
Drawd some stuff.

The second picture I put up on deviantart, but with static. This version kinda looks too plain or something, but I personally like it that way.
Been really into my 20s-40s thing. Been really into my wapanese thing. Kinda want to find a way to combine them well. I'm excited to explore those ideas. Oh, that reminds me. Totally bought a fitted Betsy Johnson dress for $6. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? It's so amazing. I love you, Unique! :] My mum has been making me a snorlax dress. Inspired by an image someone posted online- I had the fabric from when I wanted to make a sailor themed dress. But I didn't like that type of fabric for that dress, and so I just had the blue and white fabric laying around. So happy- I want to make more pokemon dresses. I'm not the hugest fan of pokemon ever, but it's just fun to go back on that fun part of my childhood.
Omg, I totally forgot about drawing more gross pokemon.

Another one!

It was a fantastic sunny week until thursday/friday. But it still made me really happy and I feel less depressed now (I wasn't depressed at all when it was sunny, but the rain/clouds get right to me). So the next stupid venture is: DDR FREESTYLE! Denise and I want to do cute/moe style ddr freestyling. I hope it is at least somewhat successful (Maybe two song routines?) That would make me happy, or even just one. I got my newer mat working again and the old mat is still spotty, but it's an old mat, so I forgive it. I'm so excited to try!
Yesterday the boy scout troop celebrated 90 years, and I was told that a lot of the older scouts would come, so I went and I overexcited myself, because it was kind of a letdown. They didn't show up. Not that I don't enjoy the current boys, I just hoped that I could see the guys I grew up with in the troop. A handful of older older older guys came. But none of the 90s guys. At least I got cake.

^There's a mini comic with Beau and Chance^
Beau is very very old. And voodoo-y. I imagine that Chance finds out any news for him, so that's that.
Oh, another thing. My mum accidentally my folder of stuff on my external drive. and it was baaaad.
I keep my anime in there. NOT on Vlad. So I've been trying to get my stuff back on there (and also seeing if I have enough space to keep copies on vlad as well orz) well, it's been fine actually. I rediscovered anime I should watch and included it to my collection, so yeah, it's been good.
Another thing. I kinda wanted to cosplay this year at anime fest, but it's more than likely I won't have the funds. Maybe not even to go to the thing altogether. But if I do get to go, I'll bring my mum's camera and really try to take advantage of my time there this year. Haha, I say that every year T_T I have a stupid personality. Anyway, if my confidence does get built up.. I WILL MAKE FRIENDS

VQ the mangaka?

Ever since I read about Nick Simmons (see here and here) it's made me want to make a really American manga. If you know me, you probably know that I HATE drawing comics. For some reason, drawing in panels is extremely tedious and difficult for me.
But I feel like we really need redemption. I've never considered myself patriotic, but every time one of us fucks up THAT'S what the rest of the world hears about, and it tends to drown out all of the good and noble things that we do. So, what will other countries anime fans think of American mangaka (manga creators)? Once again, we're spoiled and the only reason why we get things like Incarnate done is because we've got money behind it. No talent needed, as usual, Americans. It's a shame to all of us.
Hopefully... I will have the patience and be able to use my new-found motivation to create an extremely American manga that people from all over the world can fall in love with.

Come back to me, Ramen

Today I was doing a spa day. Skin routine plus new hair thing. Egg+mayo+olive oil. Wrap in plastic bag. 10-15 minutes. rinse. style.
I've been doing a lot for my hair lately because I was recently introduced to a few websites which educated me on how to properly take care of my hair. I have "nappy" hair. Since I'm mixed, I don't have tight coils or curls. I have very loose curls, but very dry and thin. "Ramen" was the name for it before I bleached my hair and ruined the fuck out of it.
I've been trying to figure it out today. While I've let my natural hair hang out for most of my life (relaxers are painful, cost money, and have to be done every two weeks- which is just too much of a hassle for me.) Recently, I haven't felt the same about it. While I don't want to relax my hair anymore, I don't like leaving it, either. (I flat iron.) I've always come to the logical conclusion that because I destroyed my hair, when it's curly it's unusually short and looks terrible on me. It's true. But today when I tied a plastic bag on my head to let my hair concoction sit, my mum laughed at me about it. Then it hit me, I am extremely self conscious of my hair. When I was little, a lot of kids would laugh at me because of my hair. I mean, besides the fact that I didn't take care of it very well (Leave a tomboy to do her hair and what does she do? she leaves it alone. I brushed it every day, but as the knots got bigger I worked on it less. Tenderheaded? fuck yes.) people would touch my head, or throw something at my head and say "Can you feel that?" I would laugh but I was really hurt that people would even say that. When you wear a helmet you can still feel things on your head, and my hair was nowhere near a helmet. Every time I fell, or failed to catch a ball or did anything that made me look stupid in any way, my hair always helped make it even funnier. For a while I forgot about it, after I cut all of the knots out in middle school and it grew into the beloved ramen. But now that I'm self conscious about my hair again, I'm reminded of all of the terrible things that affected me when I was a kid and it's just even more of a reason to keep my hair straight. While I whole heartedly support black people letting their hair go natural (if I have children with nappy hair, I won't let them get relaxers and such either.) and I think it looks great on people, I'm not sure that I'll ever do it again. Hopefully, if my hair does grow back to the length it used to be, I will be able to go natural again. But for now, I don't see it happening.

vq the amazing

I drew those for layouts on Gaia. The first one I did in like ten minutes I don't like it at all (head is so small wtf.), but I thought I'd let y'all know I do draw once in a while stll. the second one didn't take too much longer than the first. It's ok, I definitely like it better than the first one. Here's somethin' I drew just last night pretty quickly.

Yeah, she's naked. I thought it was just cute in concept. I can never execute.
Lol, there's a theme. Well since the first two were for a layout it makes sense but the third one I did was on a whim. If I had male references I would draw more men. Looking it up online makes me feel like a pervert and I get shy looking (same for women- I just reference myself and exaggerate as needed). My room is near the bathroom so people are always walking by. :[ LIFE IS SO HAAAAAAAAARD
What else is there? I tried to start a cartoon featuring that nude toon last night but I started drawing it and then I remembered I FUCKING HATE DRAWING COMICS. As soon as I drew out the panels , drew the first panel, I was instantly bored. I'm amazing. Which reminds me, I tried to pop a blackhead and now there is a huge scab on my face. amazing!

waste

So yesterday I hung out with a friend of a friend and it just reminded me of how stupid and socially retarded I am. I hardly said anything the entire time in fear of looking like a fool or saying something too strange but I'm sure I made myself look even more moronic in that aspect because I spent most of my time GIGGLING. Oh yeah, that looks better. Fucking fucktard.

Spending that time with him also reminded me of how I'm still not positive at all, even though I repeat in my head over and over how to be happy and positive I still can't look at myself or anything I do positively and because of that I have trouble REALLY moving on and because I can't move on I have trouble being happy. I thought I did move on, and maybe I did in some aspects, but nothing major. Nothing noteworthy. Why can't I just be positive? I thought i was...

that pot that comes into my room clouds me and i feel like im in pain
why the fuck would i unplug it seriously i know you have this thing where you think the whole fucking world is against you but seriously get a fucking grip

Douse me please.

WE DON'T EVEN GO OUT ANYMORE AND YET YOU STILL GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO TORTURE ME ABOUT HIM, LIKE I'M MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE BY KNOWING OF HIS FUCKING EXISTENCE. PLEASE STOP TRYING TO PROVE YOUR SUPERIORITY. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. FUCK. FUCK. I had a day that went from good to whatever and then you just shit on any positivity I had. I thought, great I can totally forget about not having a valentine for the first time since 2005. Nope, why the fuck should I be happy, right? Why spare me of the little bits of happiness I can find through my stupid, pointless, shallow life. So once again, thanks. You're amazing. I hope at some point during my life I will grow up and be as superior to the human race and mindfuckingly awesome as you are.

I love and appreciate you so much and then you do KICKASS shit like this.

My passive aggressiveness, I'm sure, will cause me at some point to spontaneously combust.

shitty drawing of a guy
shitty drawing of a banana

Drawed.

self portrait
can't draw
i am fat.

Health.

So lately I've been trying to get healthy under a tight budget.
Healthy eating typically isn't difficult to me, because my mum is pretty health conscious, and she cooks most of the meals. I mostly watch what I eat. I'm not trying to restrict too much, because if I ever want to eat a regular meal again, I know I'll continue eating regular/big portions and I will gain a lot of weight. I've been playing a lot of DDR, and trying to do exercises at home (since I am too paranoid to go to the gym alone.)
I mostly mean my hair and skin. I've stopped using products on my hair. (except shampoo and conditioner) I use olive oil to moisturize, although I still use my flat iron. I want to continue straightening my hair. For a moment I thought maybe I'd go all the way natural, but it just wasn't for me. I'm just not used to my natural hair being the way it is right now. I'm used to ramen, which I don't have anymore. :(
I've been working really hard on my skin, though. As I type I have an oatmeal-egg white-honey mask. (1 egg white, 1 tablespoon of honey. Whisk the two until frothy. Add finely chopped oats until it makes a paste.) But let's backtrack.
I said I want my cuteness back, and I'm going to get it back! I was getting my daily intake of lolita and other kawaii things, when I read about "Lolita Skin Care" on a forum. It gave this recipe(1/4 cup water, 1/4 olive oil, Sugar until paste) for body scrub. I tried it and it worked SO WELL. (body=dry winter skin). So, this inspired me to move on to other things, especially because this scrub didn't work on the skin on my face (combination skin, ech.)
So I tried washing my face like normal and then doing an egg mask. (1 egg white, whisked until frothy. Apply to face. Wait until completely dry [10-15 minutes?]. Rinse. 1 egg yolk, apply to face. Wait until completely dry [same]. Rinse.) It didn't do much for me. (I think it was the egg yolk... orz)
So today, I went all out. Before I took a shower, I started boiling water. When I finished, I lowered the heat a bit and started making my concoctions. Oatmeal-egg white-honey mask as well as a simple scrub: baking soda-water scrub. Water, add baking soda until paste. When I was done making them, I put the pot of water on the table, held my face above the pot and covered my head with a towel. (Like a little steam room. XD) Did this for ten minutes. I had to kinda lift the towel up on the sides to let some out, because obviously it was kinda hard to breathe. After this, I rubbed my blackheads gently with toilet paper. Put on the oatmeal mask. Let it sit for ten minutes. Rinsed. Then I scrubbed my face with the baking soda scrub, and left it on for two minutes, tops. Rinsed. Applied toner. Moisturized where it was needed, and voila! My skin feels fantastic. XD I hope it stays this way.
I plan on doing this once a week and exfoliating with the baking soda like every other day. Hopefully I will look and feel better soon!

February is the month of love. And black people.

Man oh man. Now I feel like I'm mostly (for real) out of my first-and-last relationship. Like, when we broke up, the line between boyfriend-love and friend-love was fuzzy. now it's more clear. And now that it's clear, it feels like my 14-year-old self just dove right back into my body and now I am a cesspool of ugly and angst. It's pretty horrible.
It was weird. You know, towards the end of it.. I didn't feel the same way about him as when we first started going out, and yet I felt "love?" because I knew that I still had him by my side. Now I know that I won't have him by my side all the time and it's really... strange. It makes it really difficult because I only have three friends to count on, and he's one of them.
Anywho, ever since then, I haven't been able to draw. I've got that lingering doom and gloom thing going from when I was a teen-kid, and masks don't work on me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always blurt out my true feelings. I HATE ITTT. I want to be cute again. I want to be cute again. It's embarrassing that I just, back flipped right into my old skin. Does that make sense? I left 14 year old me behind for a REASON... but that reason was love, and now I don't have it.

ALL of the corners.

What do people think?
I have nothing to do besides looking for a job. Are there any corners of my mind untouched? No. Job searching can only last so long when you do it every- to every-other day. Why do people ask me stupid questions? I always wonder what people think. Do they think that it's because I'm unemployed that I'm uneducated? Or maybe the other way around? I think at most the other way around.
Do I want to move on? Yes yes yes yes yes yes. Please. Let's.
Why do people think I'm just having the time of my life? 24 hours a day is too much time to think about things. I'm tired of it. My sleep is interrupted by thought. My actions in general tend to be interrupted by thought lately. They always just pop up and wander off or morph into other things.
Because of this I haven't been able to maintain the cuteness. The bangs are back in front of the face. The slouch remains. Again my love for things cute has receded back inside of me and will remain for an undetermined amount of time hidden like a terrible secret. When all of the corners are constantly reviewed I think it's normal for this to happen.