Come back to me, Ramen

Today I was doing a spa day. Skin routine plus new hair thing. Egg+mayo+olive oil. Wrap in plastic bag. 10-15 minutes. rinse. style.
I've been doing a lot for my hair lately because I was recently introduced to a few websites which educated me on how to properly take care of my hair. I have "nappy" hair. Since I'm mixed, I don't have tight coils or curls. I have very loose curls, but very dry and thin. "Ramen" was the name for it before I bleached my hair and ruined the fuck out of it.
I've been trying to figure it out today. While I've let my natural hair hang out for most of my life (relaxers are painful, cost money, and have to be done every two weeks- which is just too much of a hassle for me.) Recently, I haven't felt the same about it. While I don't want to relax my hair anymore, I don't like leaving it, either. (I flat iron.) I've always come to the logical conclusion that because I destroyed my hair, when it's curly it's unusually short and looks terrible on me. It's true. But today when I tied a plastic bag on my head to let my hair concoction sit, my mum laughed at me about it. Then it hit me, I am extremely self conscious of my hair. When I was little, a lot of kids would laugh at me because of my hair. I mean, besides the fact that I didn't take care of it very well (Leave a tomboy to do her hair and what does she do? she leaves it alone. I brushed it every day, but as the knots got bigger I worked on it less. Tenderheaded? fuck yes.) people would touch my head, or throw something at my head and say "Can you feel that?" I would laugh but I was really hurt that people would even say that. When you wear a helmet you can still feel things on your head, and my hair was nowhere near a helmet. Every time I fell, or failed to catch a ball or did anything that made me look stupid in any way, my hair always helped make it even funnier. For a while I forgot about it, after I cut all of the knots out in middle school and it grew into the beloved ramen. But now that I'm self conscious about my hair again, I'm reminded of all of the terrible things that affected me when I was a kid and it's just even more of a reason to keep my hair straight. While I whole heartedly support black people letting their hair go natural (if I have children with nappy hair, I won't let them get relaxers and such either.) and I think it looks great on people, I'm not sure that I'll ever do it again. Hopefully, if my hair does grow back to the length it used to be, I will be able to go natural again. But for now, I don't see it happening.

vq the amazing

I drew those for layouts on Gaia. The first one I did in like ten minutes I don't like it at all (head is so small wtf.), but I thought I'd let y'all know I do draw once in a while stll. the second one didn't take too much longer than the first. It's ok, I definitely like it better than the first one. Here's somethin' I drew just last night pretty quickly.

Yeah, she's naked. I thought it was just cute in concept. I can never execute.
Lol, there's a theme. Well since the first two were for a layout it makes sense but the third one I did was on a whim. If I had male references I would draw more men. Looking it up online makes me feel like a pervert and I get shy looking (same for women- I just reference myself and exaggerate as needed). My room is near the bathroom so people are always walking by. :[ LIFE IS SO HAAAAAAAAARD
What else is there? I tried to start a cartoon featuring that nude toon last night but I started drawing it and then I remembered I FUCKING HATE DRAWING COMICS. As soon as I drew out the panels , drew the first panel, I was instantly bored. I'm amazing. Which reminds me, I tried to pop a blackhead and now there is a huge scab on my face. amazing!

waste

So yesterday I hung out with a friend of a friend and it just reminded me of how stupid and socially retarded I am. I hardly said anything the entire time in fear of looking like a fool or saying something too strange but I'm sure I made myself look even more moronic in that aspect because I spent most of my time GIGGLING. Oh yeah, that looks better. Fucking fucktard.

Spending that time with him also reminded me of how I'm still not positive at all, even though I repeat in my head over and over how to be happy and positive I still can't look at myself or anything I do positively and because of that I have trouble REALLY moving on and because I can't move on I have trouble being happy. I thought I did move on, and maybe I did in some aspects, but nothing major. Nothing noteworthy. Why can't I just be positive? I thought i was...

that pot that comes into my room clouds me and i feel like im in pain
why the fuck would i unplug it seriously i know you have this thing where you think the whole fucking world is against you but seriously get a fucking grip

Douse me please.

WE DON'T EVEN GO OUT ANYMORE AND YET YOU STILL GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO TORTURE ME ABOUT HIM, LIKE I'M MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE BY KNOWING OF HIS FUCKING EXISTENCE. PLEASE STOP TRYING TO PROVE YOUR SUPERIORITY. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. FUCK. FUCK. I had a day that went from good to whatever and then you just shit on any positivity I had. I thought, great I can totally forget about not having a valentine for the first time since 2005. Nope, why the fuck should I be happy, right? Why spare me of the little bits of happiness I can find through my stupid, pointless, shallow life. So once again, thanks. You're amazing. I hope at some point during my life I will grow up and be as superior to the human race and mindfuckingly awesome as you are.

I love and appreciate you so much and then you do KICKASS shit like this.

My passive aggressiveness, I'm sure, will cause me at some point to spontaneously combust.

shitty drawing of a guy
shitty drawing of a banana

Drawed.

self portrait
can't draw
i am fat.

Health.

So lately I've been trying to get healthy under a tight budget.
Healthy eating typically isn't difficult to me, because my mum is pretty health conscious, and she cooks most of the meals. I mostly watch what I eat. I'm not trying to restrict too much, because if I ever want to eat a regular meal again, I know I'll continue eating regular/big portions and I will gain a lot of weight. I've been playing a lot of DDR, and trying to do exercises at home (since I am too paranoid to go to the gym alone.)
I mostly mean my hair and skin. I've stopped using products on my hair. (except shampoo and conditioner) I use olive oil to moisturize, although I still use my flat iron. I want to continue straightening my hair. For a moment I thought maybe I'd go all the way natural, but it just wasn't for me. I'm just not used to my natural hair being the way it is right now. I'm used to ramen, which I don't have anymore. :(
I've been working really hard on my skin, though. As I type I have an oatmeal-egg white-honey mask. (1 egg white, 1 tablespoon of honey. Whisk the two until frothy. Add finely chopped oats until it makes a paste.) But let's backtrack.
I said I want my cuteness back, and I'm going to get it back! I was getting my daily intake of lolita and other kawaii things, when I read about "Lolita Skin Care" on a forum. It gave this recipe(1/4 cup water, 1/4 olive oil, Sugar until paste) for body scrub. I tried it and it worked SO WELL. (body=dry winter skin). So, this inspired me to move on to other things, especially because this scrub didn't work on the skin on my face (combination skin, ech.)
So I tried washing my face like normal and then doing an egg mask. (1 egg white, whisked until frothy. Apply to face. Wait until completely dry [10-15 minutes?]. Rinse. 1 egg yolk, apply to face. Wait until completely dry [same]. Rinse.) It didn't do much for me. (I think it was the egg yolk... orz)
So today, I went all out. Before I took a shower, I started boiling water. When I finished, I lowered the heat a bit and started making my concoctions. Oatmeal-egg white-honey mask as well as a simple scrub: baking soda-water scrub. Water, add baking soda until paste. When I was done making them, I put the pot of water on the table, held my face above the pot and covered my head with a towel. (Like a little steam room. XD) Did this for ten minutes. I had to kinda lift the towel up on the sides to let some out, because obviously it was kinda hard to breathe. After this, I rubbed my blackheads gently with toilet paper. Put on the oatmeal mask. Let it sit for ten minutes. Rinsed. Then I scrubbed my face with the baking soda scrub, and left it on for two minutes, tops. Rinsed. Applied toner. Moisturized where it was needed, and voila! My skin feels fantastic. XD I hope it stays this way.
I plan on doing this once a week and exfoliating with the baking soda like every other day. Hopefully I will look and feel better soon!

February is the month of love. And black people.

Man oh man. Now I feel like I'm mostly (for real) out of my first-and-last relationship. Like, when we broke up, the line between boyfriend-love and friend-love was fuzzy. now it's more clear. And now that it's clear, it feels like my 14-year-old self just dove right back into my body and now I am a cesspool of ugly and angst. It's pretty horrible.
It was weird. You know, towards the end of it.. I didn't feel the same way about him as when we first started going out, and yet I felt "love?" because I knew that I still had him by my side. Now I know that I won't have him by my side all the time and it's really... strange. It makes it really difficult because I only have three friends to count on, and he's one of them.
Anywho, ever since then, I haven't been able to draw. I've got that lingering doom and gloom thing going from when I was a teen-kid, and masks don't work on me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always blurt out my true feelings. I HATE ITTT. I want to be cute again. I want to be cute again. It's embarrassing that I just, back flipped right into my old skin. Does that make sense? I left 14 year old me behind for a REASON... but that reason was love, and now I don't have it.

ALL of the corners.

What do people think?
I have nothing to do besides looking for a job. Are there any corners of my mind untouched? No. Job searching can only last so long when you do it every- to every-other day. Why do people ask me stupid questions? I always wonder what people think. Do they think that it's because I'm unemployed that I'm uneducated? Or maybe the other way around? I think at most the other way around.
Do I want to move on? Yes yes yes yes yes yes. Please. Let's.
Why do people think I'm just having the time of my life? 24 hours a day is too much time to think about things. I'm tired of it. My sleep is interrupted by thought. My actions in general tend to be interrupted by thought lately. They always just pop up and wander off or morph into other things.
Because of this I haven't been able to maintain the cuteness. The bangs are back in front of the face. The slouch remains. Again my love for things cute has receded back inside of me and will remain for an undetermined amount of time hidden like a terrible secret. When all of the corners are constantly reviewed I think it's normal for this to happen.