Drawed.

self portrait
can't draw
i am fat.

Health.

So lately I've been trying to get healthy under a tight budget.
Healthy eating typically isn't difficult to me, because my mum is pretty health conscious, and she cooks most of the meals. I mostly watch what I eat. I'm not trying to restrict too much, because if I ever want to eat a regular meal again, I know I'll continue eating regular/big portions and I will gain a lot of weight. I've been playing a lot of DDR, and trying to do exercises at home (since I am too paranoid to go to the gym alone.)
I mostly mean my hair and skin. I've stopped using products on my hair. (except shampoo and conditioner) I use olive oil to moisturize, although I still use my flat iron. I want to continue straightening my hair. For a moment I thought maybe I'd go all the way natural, but it just wasn't for me. I'm just not used to my natural hair being the way it is right now. I'm used to ramen, which I don't have anymore. :(
I've been working really hard on my skin, though. As I type I have an oatmeal-egg white-honey mask. (1 egg white, 1 tablespoon of honey. Whisk the two until frothy. Add finely chopped oats until it makes a paste.) But let's backtrack.
I said I want my cuteness back, and I'm going to get it back! I was getting my daily intake of lolita and other kawaii things, when I read about "Lolita Skin Care" on a forum. It gave this recipe(1/4 cup water, 1/4 olive oil, Sugar until paste) for body scrub. I tried it and it worked SO WELL. (body=dry winter skin). So, this inspired me to move on to other things, especially because this scrub didn't work on the skin on my face (combination skin, ech.)
So I tried washing my face like normal and then doing an egg mask. (1 egg white, whisked until frothy. Apply to face. Wait until completely dry [10-15 minutes?]. Rinse. 1 egg yolk, apply to face. Wait until completely dry [same]. Rinse.) It didn't do much for me. (I think it was the egg yolk... orz)
So today, I went all out. Before I took a shower, I started boiling water. When I finished, I lowered the heat a bit and started making my concoctions. Oatmeal-egg white-honey mask as well as a simple scrub: baking soda-water scrub. Water, add baking soda until paste. When I was done making them, I put the pot of water on the table, held my face above the pot and covered my head with a towel. (Like a little steam room. XD) Did this for ten minutes. I had to kinda lift the towel up on the sides to let some out, because obviously it was kinda hard to breathe. After this, I rubbed my blackheads gently with toilet paper. Put on the oatmeal mask. Let it sit for ten minutes. Rinsed. Then I scrubbed my face with the baking soda scrub, and left it on for two minutes, tops. Rinsed. Applied toner. Moisturized where it was needed, and voila! My skin feels fantastic. XD I hope it stays this way.
I plan on doing this once a week and exfoliating with the baking soda like every other day. Hopefully I will look and feel better soon!

February is the month of love. And black people.

Man oh man. Now I feel like I'm mostly (for real) out of my first-and-last relationship. Like, when we broke up, the line between boyfriend-love and friend-love was fuzzy. now it's more clear. And now that it's clear, it feels like my 14-year-old self just dove right back into my body and now I am a cesspool of ugly and angst. It's pretty horrible.
It was weird. You know, towards the end of it.. I didn't feel the same way about him as when we first started going out, and yet I felt "love?" because I knew that I still had him by my side. Now I know that I won't have him by my side all the time and it's really... strange. It makes it really difficult because I only have three friends to count on, and he's one of them.
Anywho, ever since then, I haven't been able to draw. I've got that lingering doom and gloom thing going from when I was a teen-kid, and masks don't work on me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always blurt out my true feelings. I HATE ITTT. I want to be cute again. I want to be cute again. It's embarrassing that I just, back flipped right into my old skin. Does that make sense? I left 14 year old me behind for a REASON... but that reason was love, and now I don't have it.

ALL of the corners.

What do people think?
I have nothing to do besides looking for a job. Are there any corners of my mind untouched? No. Job searching can only last so long when you do it every- to every-other day. Why do people ask me stupid questions? I always wonder what people think. Do they think that it's because I'm unemployed that I'm uneducated? Or maybe the other way around? I think at most the other way around.
Do I want to move on? Yes yes yes yes yes yes. Please. Let's.
Why do people think I'm just having the time of my life? 24 hours a day is too much time to think about things. I'm tired of it. My sleep is interrupted by thought. My actions in general tend to be interrupted by thought lately. They always just pop up and wander off or morph into other things.
Because of this I haven't been able to maintain the cuteness. The bangs are back in front of the face. The slouch remains. Again my love for things cute has receded back inside of me and will remain for an undetermined amount of time hidden like a terrible secret. When all of the corners are constantly reviewed I think it's normal for this to happen.

Hopefully releasing the demons

Hey hey y'all.
I hardly write here.. I think it's because of status updates on facebook. XD Kinda like most people know what's goin' on in my life but I'll write here anyway. It's good once in a while, right?
Right.
1. I keep getting asked about when I'm going to get a job, as if I had control over that. Seriously, I wish I got hired. I feel horrible and useless. Lately I feel like I haven't been doing enough to find a job but I think I AM doing all that I can, if that makes any sense. I feel guilty, as if I haven't been trying, but I HAVE- so I think I'll always be kinda depressed like this until I find a job.

2. Sometimes I'll go through a day or two super hyped about drawing. I'll start working on two or three concepts and then I'll completely run out of juice the next day and then I have these unfinished fucking drawings in my folders taking up space and eating dick until I bother to look at them again. I FUCKING HATE THIS. I don't know why I do this. I wish the feeling of creativity would last but it never does. It takes a lot for me to be inspired, apparently.

3. I wish I got paid to draw. Seriously. I know that if I was commissioned I would work diligently on it. I know it. I have a feeling like it's forced, I must do it because I aim to please. I need someone else to benefit from my drawings, I guess. I mean, I post a picture and I guess people like what I do but where's my gratification? I drew this picture and I get ZERO feedback so I don't improve, and I don't get any money for it so it's not like it's worth anything. The drawing doesn't have significance to me because I'm giving the art to ME, which isn't satisfying at all. Does that make sense? People wouldn't bother paying for my work anyway, because it does need a LOT of improvement...

4. Cooking has also taken a backseat because we're extra low on money so we're just buying the things that we absolutely need.

5.Got a gym membership, but the last time I went by myself I got extemely paranoid and couldn't complete my workout. You know, those times where you measure the amount of people in the room by how many eyes there are? Yeah. I felt like everyone was staring at me, because I'm new, I'm young, I'm a girl. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, and I probably did. I absolutely need a gym partner that actually has a membership at Balley's and will keep up with a schedule.

I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life. Some people look at me and say I'm really not that bad, but you have to take a look at my family. My dad is ALWAYS in shape, my mum is naturally skinny and has always been, and my brother is always skinny as well (for other, unhealthy reasons, but skinny nonetheless.) My parents are the type of people who laugh at fat people (unless they know them). Being in a family like this has made me focus way too much on physical appearance. Health, mostly, but physical appearance almost as much. Fat, unemployed non-student who is afraid to drive. I feel horrible, really. Honestly terrible.

I wish I knew how to move on with life. I feel like I am just frozen here. A 'Groundhog Day'-esque hell.

Ever since that time, it's like you want me dead but you're doing it one weak jab at a time. And I think you're fully aware of this, you feel the need to get revenge for everything that happens to you so you're just going to continue this way until you get what you want because this is what you do to EVERYBODY. For some reason you have it in your head that everyone is the fucking same. You probably don't THINK it, it's just a PART of you. There's something in you that says, this happened to me once, this will happen EVERY FUCKING TIME. I hope you will be able to move on some day soon, because I've been nothing but good to you ever since and you still insist on jabbing me, even though I didn't do anything wrong. I want to be your friend. Why not?

Aside from that, I haven't been doing anything. I guess halloween was fun, but I'm in a bad mood so everything seems shitty right now. You know, aside from the things that are actually shitty. Won't be able to afford this place soon. So hopefully we can get enough money in time.

And then cold happens.

The fall was nice at first but now it's freezing and rainy all the damn time. It's making me very irritable and depressed. On top of that, I've had a cold that turned into a sore throat/cough. Ugh!

Have I been drawing? Only commissions on Gaia. Have I been taking photos? No, cos I've been sick. Well, I've taken plenty of photos since the first one. I think I am getting closer to my dream of being cute. Denise, Eric and I have been trying to learn Japanese, but I'm so forgetful without a tutor or teacher. u__u Well, it's been fun so I don't care. I suppose we can wait to afford it some day, but in the meantime what we've been doing is fine.

Found another cute avatar site, Tinier Me which I've been having fun with.

Eric and I talked yesterday. Let's say, I've been having problems. I've been having problems for a while, and he hasn't remedied this. He finally realized it, but even though he said he would try to change and improve, I'm still skeptical and my problems haven't changed. I've been waiting it out for a long while. Waiting isn't really my thing.

I am a typical and atypical princess. Hope this wasn't too confusing, though it probably is! Oh well.